Writing has never come easy for me. Growing up and having writing assignments in school, it always took me forever to even think of a topic. Once I did, it was then difficult to figure out what and how to write about it. Blogging has much been the same. It takes me a long time to figure out how to start and what all to share... to know what direction to take it in. I want it to be well written and be something that is important and can help those that read it. Since I've been blogging, surprisingly, I am not lacking ideas. I have plenty of ideas of blogs to write and now that is a problem. I have so much in my head I don't know where to start. Most of the things I want to share are things that God has been teaching me; although, I have felt like I need to live it before I can write about it. These lessons take time and don't happen overnight. As I have sat down to try to write the last few months, something has come up. What I thought I had learned has taken a turn and maybe I'm not quite done learning that lesson particular lesson. And so, I haven't written.
None of that has changed, but now I feel the need to share the truth with you. This blog may not flow or make sense. It is more for me than for you. I don't have things figured out and I am still learning. I am going to try to share from my heart rather than my head...
Right now, God has brought me back to a place that I was a year ago. He has reminded me of some hard truths that He revealed to me when I was in Thailand... taking me back to the verse Ephesians 4:25 "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor." and also taking me to Leviticus 19:11 "... do not deceive one another..."
Whether intentional or not, I have been deceiving people...I have been deceiving you. It is not by me telling lies, per say, but by me keeping silent. I tend to keep struggles and things to myself. I hate being vulnerable and I put up walls. This leads people to believe that I have things together and I'm not struggling with anything. I keep feelings to myself. I have a hard time admitting to myself how I'm really feeling much less telling that to anyone else. I feel like I have to keep my feelings contained and I don't express them.
I am getting better at allowing myself to feel and to express those feelings... when I am by myself. But you may never know it. I may be excited but you've probably never seen me jumping up and down or dancing around like a crazy person (and yes, that has happened...). I may be frustrated or angry and you may never know it. I may be upset and holding back tears but I typically don't allow myself to cry much less in front of others. Lately, I've been crying more than I'd like to admit.
This is something God has been convicting me about because well, lately, I have been living a lie. I have been putting a smile on my face and pretending that everything is okay... telling people that I am fine when in fact there are days that underneath, I am not.
It is not every day but there are days that I have been struggling. The WR wrecked my life. Coming home has been difficult. To come home with no plans, no vision, and my dream fulfilled - it has been the question "now what?" I draw a blank. What more do I want? I want my will and desire to be what God's are. I came home figuring that I would take the summer and process everything and God would reveal the answer to that question. I came home hoping to incorporate things I had learned on the race and to some extent I have but not like I wanted. Coming home has not been what I expected. I feel like I have been flipped upside down and I'm not sure what to do with that.
There has been a season of waiting. And it was good... spending time with God - learning, growing, and working through things. He has been doing a lot in my life... some of which I have written about and some I have not. Yet, this past month...these past couple weeks, something has changed.
Up until now I KNOW that I have been where God has wanted me. I can look back and see the purpose of why He has had me where I am and can see how He has used me and what He has taught me. I trusted that He would reveal His plan for me in His timing. I rested in that fact. I'm not sure why this past month has been different but it has...
These thoughts have entered my head: "What am I doing? What is my purpose? I feel like I am doing nothing... I am wasting my life. I don't know why I even get out of bed..."
Lies. All of them.
Today is a good day and I can recognize that. Deep down I know the truth but lately it has been a struggle to believe it, especially on the bad days. I have started to believe the lies. I feel so lost and confused. I feel like I have been fighting a losing battle. Like I am running against the wind and getting nowhere. I have been trying to figure things out. Trying to set things up and do things to "move on" with my life yet I feel like it goes nowhere. Things just don't seem to work out. In my season of waiting, I felt close to God and could hear Him so clearly. And that has changed too. I'm not sure what God is saying. I have a hard time distinguishing His voice against all the others. I am tired of waiting... tired of fighting.
I don't have any answers. The only thing I know... is that I don't know. I question the things I feel God has been teaching me or telling me. Have I really learned anything? Did He really tell me that? I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Fear and Doubt, among other things, have crept in.
And so, here I am. I don't know where to go from here. It's not that I don't have options or opportunities. They are in abundance. I just don't know which way to turn. The only thing I know is that I can't keep living like I've been living. I need to start living in the truth and to surrender my expectations. I want to say that I'm sorry I haven't shared with you sooner. I have tried to walk this alone and I am finding that I can't. I NEED you to fight for me. I need your prayers. So I am inviting you in... and I am asking, will you please pray for me and share with me whatever the Lord lays on your heart?
And thank you. Thank you for your continued interest in my life. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement. I really do appreaciate it more than you know.
It is not every day that you get to see the fruit of the work you put into things especially those of us who went on the world race. We pour ourselves into projects and relationships for a month and then we head on to the next country. Yes, we did see God move in each place we were in while we were there but then there are times that we were just planting a seed. We were the ones starting things... and in those cases, it is often we won't see or even know the outcome of what we have put in.
One thing I have tried to do since coming home is to stay in contact with some of the missionaries we worked with along the way. To continue to support them through prayer and encouragement. And I love getting updates to know what is going on in there.
Recently, I got some exciting news from two of the places I served with that I thought I would share with you. For those of you who have followed me since the beginning of the trip, I thought you might appreciate to see and know this news just as much as I have.
First, I want to take you back to the DR, my first month on the race. My team was serving in Guachupita, as some of you may remember. For those that don't, Guachupita is one of the slums in San Juan. It is actually a small piece of land that is considered a "green zone" which means that it is not a piece of land that is good for sustaining life. It is surrounded by two small rivers, both of which are highly polluted and which easily flood across the entire community. The people that take residence there do not actually own the land, which basically makes them squatters but they have nowhere else to go. Since the land isn't supposed to be lived on, people come and dump their trash there. Trash is everywhere. Lots of broken glass, needles, and things that can harm the children as they run around barefoot. The children play in the river, as well as, standing water from when it rains. The standing water breeds sickness and the children are found with worms, parasites, diarrhea, etc. Additionally, because of the tropical weather in the DR, every 3-5 years the whole community is usually wiped out because of a major tropical storm.
Our contact had shared with us his vision to dig a trench to have a place for the rainwater to go and drain into the river. This would get rid the community of the issue of standing water and cut down on the sickness. His hope was for us to complete this and at a later time pour cement to make it permanent.
There was some semblance of an existing trench but it was cluttered with trash and even without the trash the water did not flow through it. We worked hard to clean up the trash and rocks before we began digging. Armed with pick axes and shovels, we began our task of widening, deepening, and leveling the trench out to make sure that the water would flow through it.
We accomplished the task we set out to do. Yet we wondered if and when they would have the money to actually pour the cement. Would our contacts vision be fulfilled? Or would the trench just become another place that trash is continually dumped?
Well, a little over a month ago we found out that it is finished and saw pictures! Not only is it finished, but it saved about 40 homes from being flooded this rainy season. The trench will continue to save homes from being destroyed every rainy season. Something that had become a normal thing for that community is now something that may become a thing of the past.
Before we began working. At the end of our month.
And now...
In the DR, there was a difference that we could see at the end of the month but it is exciting to know that the work we started was completed and is now permanent and it has already made a difference and will continue to make a difference in the lives of people we built relationships with while we were there.
Not long after we got word about the trench in the DR, I also found out that ICC (the organization I worked with in China) had made a new video about the work that they do. Included in the video are two girls that I directly worked with on the 2nd floor. I don't know if you will appreciate it as much as my team and I because I cannot show you what their life was like or even what they looked like before but my best attempt would be to have you read blogs about our time spent with these girls. Read about Valerieor Harmony for more on our time with them.
Our blogs do not use their real names but having read the stories you should be able to connect who is who on the video. And in the video when talking about these girls, they mention a "short-term team" which refers to a couple of my teammates and I.
After seeing the video, I think my teammate, Jessica, expressed it best... "Look at the beauty of this video. Our babies are GROWING and LIVING!! They are talking about OUR MONTH there!!! Jesus is still working!!"
Seeing how well these girls are doing now is amazing. I would not have recognized Yuan Yuan if they hadn't put her name. To be able to physically see how our love impacted those girls' lives brought tears to my eyes. And to think those are only 2 of the kids we worked with that month.
God is definitely still working and it is truly a blessing to get updates like this to see how God has been using seeds that we planted during our time in both of these countries. Thank you for being a part of that journey. And praise God for what is being done seen or unseen!
It's kind of ironic to me that I've been planning to write this blog for a while and now that I'm posting it it happens to be right before Valentine's Day. I have never been one to really celebrate Valentine's Day except maybe when I was in elementary school and we all had to make boxes to get valentines in and we passed out little cards to everyone else in the class. Now don't get me wrong... I'm not the type of girl that hates the day or anything, but I've never really recognized it as different from any other day. However, going to a Christian college, I dreaded going to chapel through the month of February because every single talk during that month every year was about love. I was the one sitting there with my arms crossed and rolling my eyes thinking, "Great, here we go again. Why do they always have to talk about this just because Valentine's Day is this month?" Thinking about that and how I am now finding myself being the one bringing it up, it is funny to me.
And looking back, it makes me laugh to think that love has been the topic of my messages throughout our travels from Ireland to Malawi and back home again to the youth group at my church. But I get it now. I get why everyone always talked about love this time of year. Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love and so why not use the day of celebration as a way to bring up the greatest love of all? Or the greatest lover?
If you followed me on my race, you maybe noticed that love tended to be a theme for me. At the beginning of my journey, I was beginning to understand more and more how much God truly loves me (read blog). And once I had that understanding, I wanted others to know it too. Hence, my preaching about it (watch video). Then further along my journey, I began to learn to love people the way that God loves us (read blog). But there is a piece missing. A piece of my journey that I have not shared with you....
I fell in love....
Yep, I did! I fell in love with my Maker, my Creator, my Savior...and my Lover. I have been a Christian for a very long time and I have always known God as the first three and maybe even described as my Father or my Friend... but never my Lover.
In my speaking to the youth group this summer, God spoke to me too. I shared with the youth group that I for a long time knew that God loved me... in my head... but not with my heart. As I've let go of so many things over the course of the past year and a half, it has allowed me to open my heart up more and more. The more I let go of, the more room I make for God to come in. I've had to let go of fear, pride, and shame to name a few. Once I was able to do that, I could accept and embrace the love He has been offering all along. And I've come to know God's love in a new way. A deeper and more intimate way. It is exciting and exhilarating. That is the love that is worth talking about.
The kind of love that one will do anything for the other even if it seems crazy. That is the love that sent Him to the cross. He died for me. and for you.
It is that kind of love that will lead me to do things that otherwise I would have said "no way", "yeah right", or plain out "no". I can be stubborn and stuck in my ways but when He asks, I can't help myself but to say "okay". Because it is that kind of love that allows me to TRUST Him.
It is that kind of love that compels you to go deeper. To be more intimate. To want to get to know Him and to spend time with Him. To pray. To read the Bible. For so long, I have done it out of obligation because that is what "good" Christians are supposed to do. And if I didn't do it, I felt guilty. But now, there is desire. There is a longing.
It is the kind of love that people notice. When someone is "in love", you can tell by their expressions, their actions, and the way they light up when they spend time with each other or when talking about the one they love.
It was while I was in the Philippines that God began to show me that desiring intimacy and loving Him is the most important thing. (Ironically, it was where I celebrated Valentine's Day with 30 others from my squad.) And as I began to seek intimacy with Him, I found it.
And so, I want to share a story with you. It is a story of one of my favorite days in the Philippines and quite possibly the race. This is not the first time or the last but it was one moment along my journey of discovering my heart that I fell deeper in love with Him.
It was my day off from ministry. Myself and about 8 others were planning to venture to the waterfalls. It was a rainy day but we decided to go none the less because we were just planning to get wet anyway. We took a short ride up the road from our ministry site where we were dropped off and met up with two tour guides. The tour guides led us into the jungle to hike the mountains to several different spots and in each location another spectacular waterfall.
The hike was wet and muddy. Some slipped, fell, and got covered with mud. But it was well worth the hike.
We arrived at the first waterfall and we were given some time to get in the water. We stripped down to our bathing suits and stepped into the water. Climbing over rocks and fallen trees we made our way closer to the waterfall. The closer we got the harder to walk from the power of the water. It became a struggle to go any further, but I managed to make it somewhat under the falls. I found some rocks to sit on and wedge myself between so the rush of the water wouldn't push me further away.
I sat on that rock with the waterfall pouring over me. As I sat there, I felt God's presence so strongly pouring over me. Everything else faded away. I couldn't tell you what anyone else was doing. I had entered my own world and anything out of that did not exist. Nothing else mattered. To be so aware of Him. To feel the power of the waterfall hitting me. At times stronger than others where I felt it sting. I sat there squealing and laughing as I was pelted by the waterfall. Then to look out and see green all around... a canopy of trees above me and sitting in sparkling blue water. I was amazed by his power and beauty surrounding me. I sat there praying and praising Him. Thanking Him. In awe of Him. I fell in love once again. A God that created something so magnificent loves me. And allowed me to be a part of something special. I didn't want to leave my spot on that rock but we had other waterfalls to go see... and each one was incredible in its own way.
After returning to our ministry site that day, one of my teammates commented that the smile never left my face while we were there. I'm sure my eyes were sparkling, as well. Because, well, I... was in love!
And as I crawled into bed that night, I looked over at the wall... and on it was a chalk drawing of a waterfall. Beside it, it said "Be overwhelmed by His love." It was drawn for me earlier in the month by my squad-mate Shawndell. It was then I realized the power of that day for I in fact had been overwhelmed by His love and that was His plan all along....
It took me traveling the world to discover that there is so much more to God. SO much. I've grown up in church and for 20 years, I missed it. I didn't understand....
Life is about a relationship with God. A relationship that is real and intimate and goes deeper. Intimacy with Him is what I have been pursuing. I don't know that I will ever fully understand the depths of His love but that is what I am after.
And that is my desire for others... for YOU.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19
I have been dreading writing this blog, but I know it is one that needs to be written. It is awkward for me to share this story with you as this is not typically something I would share except maybe with my closest friends. I apologize in advance if you feel awkward at parts of it or feel it inappropriate but don't say I didn't warn you. J And, there is a purpose in my sharing this with you as you will find out if you keep reading.
One day during the summer I was up early to go to a doctor's appointment. Now this wasn't just any doctor's appointment... I was going to the gynecologist. I don't like going to the doctors in general but I was absolutely dreading this appointment. I had only been once before and it was one of the worst experiences ever. So much so that, even though it is expected annually, I swore I was never going to go back unless it was absolutely necessary. That was six years ago. Now, it wasn't absolutely necessary that I go this summer but after the prompting of my family doctor I decided it was probably something I needed to do. The last time I had gone the gynecologist had found a lump which then led to a mammogram and some other tests to determine if it was cancerous or not. That was also a terrible experience but thankfully they determined it was not cancerous. Thinking about those experiences and knowing I hadn't been to the gynecologist in a long time, I was concerned on what was going to take place at this appointment.
As I was getting ready, my sister came in my room to find out what I was doing up so early. I told her I was going to the doctor. Being the only ones home, she asked me how I was getting there (if you haven't read my previous blogs, I don't have a car) and I told her that I was walking. She gave me a funny look and said, "If you would have told me, I probably could have taken you on my way to work." She walked out of my room and I finished getting ready. She was back at my door a few minutes later saying, "I can probably still take you if you want me to." I told her that it was okay because I wanted to walk. She looked at me like I was crazy as I gathered my stuff to leave.
Maybe I am crazy. What would be a ten minute drive is a much longer walk. But having been home from the WR only a few months, I was still in the mindset that walking is the norm. Most times we walked to our ministry sites even if it took 45 minutes or longer to get there and we did it every day. On the WR, I came to find that those walks were times that I could spend in prayer preparing for my day of ministry. And that was why I wanted to walk. I wanted, no I needed, to spend time in prayer before my appointment. I was worried and part of me scared... fearing the worst. What if the lump is cancerous now? What if it has spread since I was there last? All the "What ifs" and maybe even some irrational fears running through my head.
So I set off and I began to pray. Giving all my fears and anxieties to God. Asking Him to be with me in the appointment no matter the outcome. Part of a song popped in my head so I started singing:
Into Marvelous light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way...
A ways into my walk having the thought, "I wish I was a boy. Then I wouldn't have to go through all of this. Because who really wants to go to an appointment every year where we have to get naked and then are felt up, inflicted pain upon, and you leave bleeding. Not me. And we pay them for this? Pretty sure guys don't have to go through that."
I made it to my appointment right on time. Thankful to sit down, I filled out the needed paperwork. Then I was taken back to the examination room. The doctor came in and asked me some questions. She left so I could get undressed before she came back to complete her examination. I will spare all the details and medical terminology but basically she told me that from some things she was noticing, it appeared as though my hormones aren't balanced... that I have high levels of testosterone. She went on to explain that if not treated, I could experience male pattern hair growth, among other things, but the most common is facial hair.
I left that appointment not knowing what to think. I had gone in fearing that I was going to have to get another mammogram and the fear of cancer but I came out having been told that my hormones are messed up. That was not what I was expecting. I began my long walk back home. So many questions filled my head. Once again, I began to pray giving all of it to God. On my walk back, I was reminded of my thoughts earlier of how it would be better to be a boy... and exclaimed, "God... I don't really want to be a boy! I don't want to look like one either... I am a girl."
Throughout the rest of the day, the song from earlier continued to play through my head... the same part over and over... Into Marvelous light I'm running. Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, you are the life, you are the way...
I felt that God was telling me that I was walking out of my shame.
Shame = the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, rotten, phony, inadequate, or a failure
In some way that day was a significant part of that walk. Yes, there are things in my life that bring me shame and I have lived in shame because of them. Those are things and parts of me I had wanted to deny and I hid them. I am not perfect and I know that I am not but for some reason I felt like that was how I had to portray myself to people. Feeling I had to live up to expectations. Perhaps because of my PRIDE. I was afraid to admit my imperfections and failures... afraid of what people might think... how they might view me.
God has been speaking to me about being vulnerable and this is a journey He started me on while on the WR. Sharing my flaws, imperfections, and failures. The ways that I felt defective or inadequate. Things I felt shame in. Allowing God and others to see me for who I really am and not just for what I want them to see.
Much like that day at the gynecologist...
To stand naked
Exposed
Every flaw and imperfection clearly visible
Unable to hide
That day at the gynecologist, I stood before her and she pointed out my physical/medical flaws; yet, I felt no shame when there once was a time I would have. The significance of that day is the realization of that song. For that is what God has done in my life not just at the appointment but in other areas, as well. As I have started sharing the things in my life, I brought them out of darkness and into the light. I exposed them. In the dark they hold power and I was isolated, but exposed in the light is where healing can take place.
I know I am not alone. Many of us have shame in some area of our life whether it is insecurities in our physical appearance, qualities in us that we view as defective, things we have done, or maybe even things that were done to us. Despite all of this, we should be able to stand "naked" before Christ. Exposing all of our sins, flaws, and imperfections and giving them to Him. He created us and He knows the depth of our sin. He is aware of everything; yet, He still accepts us and loves us for who we are.
Trusting God and knowing the LOVE He has for me is what has helped me on my journey. It doesn't mean it is easy but because of the TRUST I have in God I knew I had to listen in His leading me to be vulnerable with others and even in posting this blog. I have found the more I talk about the things I had found shame in the easier it becomes in sharing it and I usually don't get the reaction that I was afraid would happen. Not only have I seen that I am still accepted and loved but that I can begin to embrace who I am. I am a girl who has flaws and imperfections but God has created me to be me. God has forgiven me and He accepts me and loves me for who I am. Now it is time I do the same for myself.
I invite you to do the same... identify what brings you shame and give it to God. Don't deny it or hide it any longer. Know that He loves you and accepts you regardless. Begin to share with someone you trust and bring your shame into the light. Don't let shame hold power over your life. Let your healing begin.
God has truly blessed my life with our friendship and I am so excited to see how that continues to grow! In praying for you the other day, God have me the word TRUST. In the short time I have known you, a character trait I continually see in you is trust. Your team trusts you, your family trusts you, and even people that are newly placed in your life can sense that quality. God gave you that gift for a beautiful purpose and reason and all he asks in return is for you to TRUST Him back. So step out, take that chance, do a death scream if you must :) and walk in faith knowing you have a great and wonderful Papa with whom you can TRUST with even the tiny, little details of your life. Can't wait to see the ways God is planning on rocking your world this month!
Much Love, Micah
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
This was a note given to me at some point on our long bus ride through Africa (read blog). I read the note, was encouraged in part and dismissed part thinking, "I don't know what she means that I need to trust God in return because I do trust Him."
I didn't think much more about it until recently....
Fast forward 6 months. I am in Malaysia and the end of the WR is looming. The girls on my team are anxiously trying to figure out "what's next" for them. We are going home soon and are unsure of what we are going to do. With all their talk and trying to make plans, I essentially started to ask the same question. Soon these thoughts began to consume my mind and it was hard to focus on our ministry there in Malaysia.
On one of our days off, we happened to be staying with our contacts (our place had flooded the day before) and we were able to use the pool in their apartment complex. Us girls spent some time by the pool that morning until a big dark storm cloud blew in. With the sun covered, a dark cloud overhead, and rain undoubtedly on the way, the other girls decided to pack up and head to a coffee shop around the corner. I opted to stay by the pool as I just needed some time to be alone.
I was excited when the cloud blew over and the sun came back out! I was left alone to swim and bask in the sun. I dove in and swam the length of the pool before coming up for air. I leaned on the edge of the pool to catch my breath and I began to pray. I began to give things I'd been trying to deal with on my own (frustrations, etc.) over to God and then I began to pray about my future. As I did, my prayers began to change.... Remembering my frustrations of the last few days and the frustrations of team leaders when all anyone did was repeatedly ask them questions that they may or may not have had answers to, I asked God "do you ever get frustrated with us? We keep asking you the same questions over and over and over again..."
God brought to mind all the times in the past year that I lived from month to month not worrying about what was to come in the next one. I knew that AIM was taking care of things and had things under control. I knew that they would communicate what was needed to the squad leaders and the squad leaders to the leaders and on down to us... my time to know would come when I needed to know. Sometimes I didn't know where I was going until 2 days before we left and I was okay with that. I didn't have to ask questions. I knew I would get to where I needed to be when the time came whether I knew where I was going or not. I trusted them.
As I thought about that, I relinquished everything. I prayed, "Okay God, if I can trust them, surely, I can trust that you are going to tell me what I need to know when I need to know it. I will stop asking you the same question over and over and start listening for you to speak. I know you will speak when the time comes. I trust you."
I have been finding out those words are easier said than done....
The WR ended and I came home not knowing much about my future but trusting that God would lead. Not long after being home, I went to visit my old co-workers and share about my trip. The next day my ex-supervisor called me and asked if I wanted my job back. I knew this wasn't what I wanted for my life but it was tempting to take the job just to have a job and make money. I told her I would think about it and let her know.
As I prayed about it the rest of that day and into the next, I felt God asking, "Do you trust me?" I trust you, God. I know that you have a plan for me but why not work and make some money until you tell me what it is you have for me? "You know this is not what I have for you. So why would you go back? Do you trust me?"
As I thought about His question, I had to ask myself that. I thought I trusted Him. Having grown up in the church you hear that word all the time but what does it really mean?
So I looked it up. In Webster's New World dictionary it defines it this way:
Trust = to rely or depend on
And as I've sought out what it really means to trust/depend on God, I've been reminded of the analogy of riding a tandem bike with God (if you don't know the analogy you can read it here) and the part of what it looks like when we trust Him. He is in the front seat and we are to be in the back. We are completely dependent upon Him. We can't pedal or steer the bike without His help. Sometimes we can't even see where we are going. He is leading and we are following - trusting/relying on Him to get us where we need to go. We literally won't go anywhere He doesn't go because we are attached to Him. He goes before us. He is with us every step of the way.
Thinking about that, do I really trust Him? Do I depend on Him? These are questions I've had to ask myself the past several months. I was reminded of the note that I was given on the African bus trip and realized that perhaps Micah was right, I didn't really trust Him. I trusted myself. And God was asking me to trust Him instead.
I think often times I find myself in the front seat of the tandem bike. I am the one in control. I'm pedaling away and only turning to God when I need help. Feeling anxious or afraid and asking God where I should steer the bike because I can't see up ahead.....
With my words, "Okay God, I trust you." I am making a choice to stop pedaling, to get off the bike, and to switch places with God. I am letting Him take the front seat and allowing Him to steer me through life. That first step is the hardest but that doesn't mean that the rest is easy. There are times I want to take the front seat back but then I hear God's voice asking me, "Do you trust me?" Sometimes things come up that I feel DOUBT or SHAME, to name a few, but again I hear God saying "trust me". It is that voice I choose to listen to for He doesn't just know the way, He IS the way.
Sometimes things may not make sense or may even sound crazy at times. It goes against the norms of this society. Those are the times I want to take over. To do things on my own. Then I'm reminded of the well-known verse:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
God reminds me to "lean not on your own understanding...trust me...I will direct your steps". Things may not make sense to us but that is when we have to trust. God has a plan. He knows the way and He will get us there if we will only trust Him. If we will only set aside our independence and pride or whatever else gets in our way and allow Him to take over.
If you read my previous blog, you will know that is something I have struggled with. I like to be in control but I am learning to let go... even if, at times, it is throwing my hands up to take my hands off the handle bars of the bike and exasperatedly saying, "Fine God. This is crazy. I don't know how this is going to work but if it is you're going to have to do it." And once I give up control it is still a struggle to allow God to stay in control. He may tell me something about my future and then I go with that and try to figure it out... to figure out how it is going to work or how to get there. That is when God has been telling me, "Wait. Be patient. Trust me."
And if I look at Proverbs 3:5-6 in the Message version it says:
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all."
So I continue to seek Him every step of the way. I know that I am where God wants me and that He has a plan for me. Yes, 7 months later and I have no job, no car. But that is what I have chosen. I have learned to hear God's voice and now I am learning to listen even if it sounds crazy or doesn't make sense. Because I trust Him. God told me to "wait". I believe He has a plan and looking back over the past 7 months I can see how He has used me in various ways that had I taken a job or had a car... they wouldn't have happened. He has also used this time to teach me the lessons I am sharing with you and I know that He has also been using this time to prepare me for what is next. So I continue to wait until I hear otherwise. I am not worried. I know God will provide for me and take care of me. He will speak when it is time. I trust Him.
The verse Micah wrote in her note to me over a year ago comes back to me.... It is where I have found that when I trust God and walk in that trust that I have a joy, peace, and hope that I can't explain. And so this is my prayer for you as well:
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
So, what about you... Do you trust God? I mean really trust Him? Which seat are you sitting in?
This time last year I was in Cape Town, South Africa. It was one of my favorite months on the WR. We lived and ministered with Ma and Pa at the Jeremiah Project. I loved the ministry and the neighborhood kids that we worked with. Days off we spent traveling around with our contacts to see all the beauty that Cape Town has to offer. Cape Town is one of the most beautiful places that I traveled to and it has some of the most breathtaking beaches right next to the mountains. Our days off tended to be busier than our ministry days. On one of our days off we were taken to hike Table Mountain (on the Kasteelspoort trail, I believe). We were told that it would take about 3 hours... to the top and back.
I was excited to go and my whole team went. On the WR you go where your team goes... so I don't remember thinking much about it. But I should have.... You see, a couple weeks prior our team had been blessed to go out on the boat of one of the volunteers we'd worked with in Johannesburg, South Africa. We went tubing and then they were teaching us to water ski. It was my turn and I actually got up on the skis for a little bit. I was trying to remember what they had told us... "arms straight," check; "legs together," nope. As I tried to bring them together, the waves took my left leg a different direction which caused me to twist my knee. I went down and the skis went flying off. As I bobbed in the water, my left leg was bent and I couldn't move it. For a moment I freaked out inside and was afraid that I had broken it. The guy on the Jet Ski rode up and asked if I was okay. I very calmly and simply told him, "My knee hurts." He grabbed me by the life vest and pulled me over to the boat and they pulled me in. I was able to stretch my leg out some. When we got back to shore I put my leg up and iced it. I'm not exactly sure if I tore something or what I did to my knee but it swelled really big. I couldn't bend it all the way without it hurting. My injury slowed me down the rest of that month but it didn't stop me. I just spent a little more time on the couch elevating and icing my knee and I adjusted my walk to not bend my knee so much. We then traveled to Cape Town. The swelling had gone and my knee was getting better but it wasn't completely healed and I should have thought about that and what it might be like to climb a mountain with an injured knee....
Pa had woken us up early that day by yelling throughout the house. We got an early start to be able to climb the mountain during the cool part of the day. We stopped and prayed at the beginning of the trail and then we were off. The first part of the journey was filled with talk, laughter, and a slight inclining slope. We were off to a good start and the view was incredible.
A little ways into it a couple of the girls from the ministry decided to turn back because of problems with asthma. The rest of us continued on. So far things had been pretty good and we were thinking we had to be halfway up the mountain. Boy, were we wrong! We then got to a part that was like stairs... so you really were climbing and not just walking. This is when it got difficult for me. I realized that I couldn't really put all my weight on my knee to push myself to the next step. So I began to climb with my good leg. Each step. For a while that was okay. But if you have ever tried to climb a bunch of stairs or a mountain with one leg doing all the work... you know that you tire much quicker. I was out-of-breath, exhausted, and the muscles in my good leg were burning. I pushed myself to try to keep up but I began to slow down and fall behind. I needed to rest more often.
That was hard for me but my team was great. Someone was always back with me and they were there for me... offering to carry my bag or give me a hand. I brushed them off saying that I could do it. I never once admitted to them that day how much I was hurting or how much I was struggling.
I would even put a smile on for pictures but inside I began to beat myself up... telling myself I should have turned back when the other girls did but it was too late now so I need to keep going, that I was holding everyone back, and on and on and on....
We finally reached a point that we were going downhill slightly. Excited to be at the top, I picked up my pace. I stepped wrong on one of the rocks and jerked my knee again. Tears sprang to my eyes as I felt the pain in my knee. Thankful for my sunglasses to hide the tears, I kept going... until further ahead I realized I wasn't at the top. It was time to climb again. I stopped and looked up. Feeling defeated I thought, "I can't do this. I can't go on." I sat to rest. I was done... physically and emotionally. My teammates that were behind me caught up and I think they knew. They surrounded me and prayed over me. Then they were offering anything and everything that they thought might help... a sandwich, a piece of gum, an iPod, and an umbrella (to keep the sun off me). I begrudgingly accepted it all except the umbrella. I'm not sure how they were expecting me to climb carrying an umbrella but the picture of it made me laugh.
Chewing gum and listening to music, I was off again. My attitude changed as I remembered Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I prayed for God to strengthen me and help me make it to the top. As I was praying, Franklin, one of the guys from Jeremiah Project, held out his hand to help pull me up on a big rock. I didn't want to accept the help. But then I heard God speak....
You keep asking me for help. I keep offering to help you and you don't accept my help. Here I am right in front of you. I am offering my hand and you keep pushing me away....Will you accept my help this time?
I felt like God had reached down and smacked me upside the head. I had been praying for God to help ME. I'm not sure what I thought He would do whether heal my knee to make things easier or what but that He was going to do something so that I would be able to accomplish this without having to admit to my team that I couldn't do it or having to depend on anyone else.
Humbled, I reached out and grabbed Franklin's hand. He pulled me up and we kept climbing. Shortly after that we truly had arrived at the top. I was never so glad to see my teammates that had gone up ahead. We had made it!
I share this story because it was the beginning of my recognition of something I have done for a long time and I'm sure you can even tell that from my response in Jo'burg when I got hurt (I just didn't recognize it then). I am an independent person. I do not like to admit weakness or failure, much less, ask for help. My independence was something I was proud of. My belief was that I am a capable person and I don't need help from others because I can do it myself. My pride kept me from sharing with my team about how I was doing during the climb. Because I didn't talk about it, my thoughts and in essence my pride tore me down emotionally and spiritually that day. My pride kept me from asking for help. Yet with my team, I didn't have to ask for help - they were there offering themselves; their love. And I couldn't accept it. I pushed them away. Sometimes God uses other people as His hands and feet; so ultimately in pushing them away, I was pushing God away... not accepting His love. That was the realization that hit me when God spoke on the mountain that day. It was one of the most humbling moments and since then God has continued to work in that area of my life.
During the rest of my trip it was seen in little ways... for instance, when we were traveling and I automatically picked up my bag to carry it and dismissed the offer for one of the guys to take it. But having talked with my team after that day, they knew so they got after me and I would have to give up my bag. I began to learn to accept help when it was offered.
Since being back in the States, it is something I have had to let go of more and more. God has stripped me of everything of the independent life I had before the WR. No longer living on my own, I am back living in my parents' basement. No job. No car. It was a struggle at first and still is at times. Feeling like I had somehow failed at life and afraid of what people would think. I had to let go of my pride and hold on to the truth. I am not a failure. I am living the life God has called me to and it is a blessing to be able to live with my parents. It has gotten easier but sometimes I feel like I'm back in Jr. High... having to ask to borrow a car or for a ride to get places and everything but God is using that to stretch me and make me grow. That is when I have to let go of my pride and ask for help. I can't get anywhere without Him. And when I ask, He provides. There is purpose in where He has me and I am learning toTRUSTHim (more about that next week!).
It's been awhile since my last blog and I have been asked lately if I am on strike. Rest assured... I am not. J I have attempted on several occasions over the last couple months to write a blog but God has been doing so much in my life that it has been difficult for me to figure out how to be able to explain it all. They are things I haven't learned overnight. It has been a process and I am still learning and growing. So perhaps the blogs weren't ready to be written, but I still haven't figured out how to put it in a blog so I am attempting to write a series of blogs. This is still difficult to figure out as there are certain topics but I have been learning them simultaneously and they intermingle and go hand - in - hand. But I'm going to attempt to share with you and as I pull things apart to put them in separate blogs, hopefully, it will all still make sense and you can see for yourself how they go together....
I started and wrote this part of the blog in November...
So my project since the WR had been organizing and planning Walk the Wall 10k in my area. Ever since that was over the end of September, people have been asking me... "So what' next? What's your next project?" Sometimes I wish I had more to tell them because I've been asking God those same questions but all He has been telling me is "WAIT". I was fine with that answer for a while but there are times that I get antsy and just want to know. I don't want to wait anymore. I just want to DO something. But God has been teaching me that it isn't always about DOING - it is about BEING. And his words for me now, as I've been asking these questions of Him recently, are "be patient and trustme".
And so, I wait... not always patiently but I'm learning to trust God more and He is revealing a lot to me. I am waiting, but I am not idle. Right before I left on the WR, I moved back into my parents' house. I left everything in boxes and added them to the other boxes I had stored and other things I had never moved out of their house. Coming back, it has almost been like I am living in a storage room - living in and amongst all my boxes and the addition of some of my family's stuff. When I arrived home, I shuffled things around and made the space livable but mostly I ignored and avoided the boxes.
I have known that I have needed to go through my stuff and get rid of things even before I left on the WR but I was too busy then. Since coming home, I just didn't want to deal with it all. Part of that is because while I was gone, our basement flooded (which is where my room is) and some of my stuff was ruined despite all my family's efforts to dry things out. I am a neat organized person and in those boxes everything is a mess. Most things are not as I left them. I have not wanted to open the boxes to find things in disarray and try to make sense out of it all and I haven't wanted to find out what all was ruined.
However, after 4 months of doing other things my project now is to unpack all my boxes. It's amusing to me that the past year all I needed I carried on my back and we were having conversations then about what we really needed to have with us and how we needed to get rid of things. It is so easy to accumulate things when you have space for them; but, when you are carrying everything you own, you begin to really evaluate what you need and what is worth carrying. You don't want to carry more than you need to. Now, I am doing that at home. I am not just to going to unpack these boxes, but to actually go through things and decide what I need to keep, what to give away, and what to throw away. I have a tendency to hold on to things thinking that I might need them in the future. The past year, I learned that God is a God who provides. He provided for me when I was in need before so why do I need to hold on to something now that I may or may not need in the future? Why can't I give it to someone who is in need of it now and trust that if I do need it in the future, God will provide again? And so, I have begun that process of opening boxes, sorting things, and deciding what to do with the stuff. I have had to throw away many photo albums that were ruined and I have given away boxes/bags of things to Goodwill that I no longer need. I have been going down memory lane as I'm finding lots of things I have held on to even from childhood! And, I have only just begun.
But, I am learning to let go. I am learning that I can't live looking back at my past or live in the future. I need to live in the here and now. To live in the moment and listen for what God has for me now. God has also not been idle or absent during this time. As I have started unpacking boxes and literally going through things from my life, God has been showing me that in many ways there have been things in my life that I have treated like these boxes. I am ashamed to admit that I have become good at ignoring and avoiding things. Pretending they aren't there - putting them in "boxes" thinking that I'll deal with them later. Knowing that I need to think and pray about stuff and deal with it but putting it off for some other time. And that time never came. Well, I can no longer run as God has stripped me of all of my excuses for putting things off and it is time to unpack my boxes both literally and emotionally/spiritually. I am not perfect. God is using this time to reveal things to me which are molding and shaping my character. He is purifying me and preparing me for whatever is next.
The next few blogs I will be "unpacking boxes" that I have had in my life for a long time. Boxes that God is helping me open and sort through... figuring out what things to "trash", things I should be using, and things to give away.
What about you? Are there things in your life that you have been avoiding and/or ignoring? Now is the time to let Him in and allow Him to work in your life. It may seem daunting or like it will just make a mess of things but I promise you it is worth it. God can't give you more if you continue to hold on to the things of before. Let go! Allow him to work. Sometimes He has to do some pruning in our lives so that we can grow (John 15:1-2). And begin asking the question, "What does He want from/for me TODAY?"
Our last month on the WR, my team was located in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It is a very westernized culture and they have many shopping malls. On one of our days off, we had a girls' day where one of our ministry partners took us to a mall. I'm not much of a shopper but I went along with the other girls on my team. I didn't end up buying anything that day, but I enjoyed looking at all their t-shirts and some of the funny sayings! On occasion, I would pull one out to show my teammates. One in particular I held up and said, "This kind of describes what our life has been like this year!" My teammate agreed and felt she needed a picture J
You see, traveling the world we came across many people that treated us as if we were famous. We were an attraction in Africa because we were white. Even as we would drive by people there, they would stop what they were doing to wave while others would drop their stuff and stare in disbelief... they were actually seeing white people! For some Africans that live in the villages, they had never seen a white person. At times we were treated as celebrities. In one particular village, I remember sitting on a log talking to one of my squad-mates, Shawndell, when two little boys came up, bowed, handed us several mangos each, and walked away. We looked at each other and asked, "Did that really just happen?" We got to meet with the chiefs which is something no ordinary person gets to do and they were honored to meet with us (read about my experience).
Then we left Africa and traveled to Asia. In Asia, it wasn't always as obvious but they still acted like we were someone famous. Being more technological, people in Asia would take our pictures. My first encounter with this I was actually in a hospital waiting room in the Philippines and as I looked up a lady had her arm sticking out from behind a partitioned wall and was taking a picture of my teammate, Stacey, and I on her cell phone. That was another moment where we looked at each other and I asked in disbelief, "Did she really just take a picture of us?" There was another time it was like my team and I were a famous band and we had paparazzi taking our pictures. We had just finished meeting with a group of college students in China and they wanted a picture of our group... every single student was taking our picture.
I'm not really famous. But to those people, it was like I was. And there were times during those 11 months that I felt like what I think a famous celebrity feels like here in America. So, relatively I was famous. But I wasn't famous for who I was, but what I was. I was a white American.
I kind of got used to that feeling but I never expected to feel that way coming back to America; yet, I have. I have gone places and people (who I don't know) know who I am and they know my story. They've been reading my blogs. They feel like they know me and are connected to me. Much like it is with celebrities... we know all about their lives yet they have no clue who we are. Then people began to ask me to come and speak. People contacted me to speak to many different groups from the Rotary to groups at church to a woman's group in NY. One day, there was a message on my parents' answering machine, "We would like Alison to come and speak to our group on Sunday if she could give us a call..." That was when it really hit me. I told one of my friends, "I feel like I'm this famous speaker that people are calling to book speaking engagements!"
That is a strange feeling. And then to top it all off, I got a phone call asking me to come do an interview for an online radio show. Being on the show sitting there with headphones on and a radio microphone in front of me was another one of those moments... "Is this really happening?!" It was a pre-recorded show that took place about 2 months ago and it has just been released so I want to share it with you! But before I do, you must know...
I'm not really famous, although there have been times I have felt that way since being home. And relatively maybe I am. I am not relatively famous for being me or for what I have done but for what Christ has done in and through me.
I spoke to one of the older adult classes at my church during the summer and before I spoke we sang a few hymns. One in particular I want to share with you because it describes why I have agreed to speak to these different groups and to do this radio interview.
To God Be the Glory
To God be the glory great things He hath done! So loved He the world that He gave us His Son, Who yielded His life an atonement for sin, And opened the life-gate that all may go in.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Let the earth hear His voice! Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Let the people rejoice! O come to the Father thru Jesus the Son, And give Him the glory great things He hath done!
O perfect redemption, the purchase of blood, To every believer the promise of God; The vilest offender who truly believes, That moment from Jesus a pardon receives.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Let the earth hear His voice! Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Let the people rejoice! O come to the Father thru Jesus the Son, And give Him the glory great things He hath done!
Great things He hath taught us, great things He hath done, And great our rejoicing through Jesus the Son; But purer, and higher, and greater will be Our wonder, our transport, when Jesus we see.
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Let the earth hear His voice! Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, Let the people rejoice! O come to the Father thru Jesus the Son, And give Him the glory great things He hath done!
To listen to the radio show click here. It is 37 minutes but I believe it is worth listening to. If you don't have time to listen now, I would encourage you to listen when you have some time. And may God get all the glory!
Also, If you feel you want to get involved in some way, I am not currently on the field but both Stacey and Shawndell (mentioned above) are in need of financial support. Stacey has returned to Africa and Shawndell is doing ministry here in Georgia. Check out their blogs (just click on their name) and prayerfully consider how God wants you to get involved!
"My heart felt heavy a couple days this week seeing all of this and feeling helpless. There was absolutely nothing I could do because when the kids are violent we have no control over them. Realized we cannot change the culture and that this will continue to go on for a long time. It is hard to accept that fact. I am not currently practicing social work now that I am on this mission's trip but I am a social worker at heart and still hold those values. I want to be able to do more and to speak up for the vulnerable children but I CAN'T. #1 that's not my role with this trip and #2 it is their culture.... I can't just call children services or go and set up counseling for the families or do anything that I might do being a social worker in the U.S. The only thing I can do is show them LOVE that they may not get otherwise."
This is an excerpt from one of my blogs (Subeme) month one of my trip. And as I have looked back over my trip, I have realized that this was something I felt several months. I felt helpless and powerless. Different countries. Different experiences. But it left me feeling the same. I wanted to be able to do something to bring change but I felt like my hands were tied and the ONLY thing I could do was to offer love to the children we worked with. Sure, I can walk with a child and hold their hand, scratch their back as they sit on my lap, simply hold them close, or allow them to put their head in my lap as I rub their back. And I did. But I felt that it wasn't enough.
God began speaking to me about how He is enough during month 9 of my trip when I was really struggling with this, but I don't think I fully grasped what He was trying to tell me then. It was after I returned home, began processing my experiences, and preparing to share those experiences with different groups that I finally understood what He was telling me. During those difficult times, I felt like the ONLY thing I could do was to love but I have come to realize that it wasn't the only thing - it was the GREASTEST thing I could do. Upon returning home, a friend and fellow social worker recommended that I read a book entitled The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog. It is a book written by a child psychiatrist about some of the atrocities he has found children to face, what was done to help them (therapy, medication, etc.), and what he learned through all of it. He found that children can have their basic needs met - a place to live, food to eat, etc. but if they do not have love they fail to thrive. You can treat a child with medication and therapy but that alone cannot do the job. The author concludes that "relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is love."
And that is all he asks of us - to "look after orphans and widows in their distress". He doesn't ask us to change them or heal them. He just asks us to look after them - sit with them, be with them in their distress and pain, LOVE them. We may not know the impact that our love has on someone but it is NEEDED and is the greatest thing that we can offer someone. God taught me a lot about His love on my trip and He had me read the story of Hosea (if you haven't read it I would encourage you to do so) before entering my 9th month. I had read the story before and didn't think much of it but this time was different. I felt Him telling me that this story is 2-fold. We are all Gomer and God is our Hosea. That is how much He loves us. But the other part, He wanted me to be Hosea. I wasn't sure at the time exactly what that meant but I soon found out entering month 9. He was calling me to love as He loves. To love unconditionally. To love when I may not be loved in return. To love even when it hurts. That is not always easy but that is to love as Christ. And that love, it is POWERFUL.
I may never know the impact of the love I offered hundreds of children around the world during my trip but I now know it was the greatest thing I could do. And I have hope that the time I spent with each child has impacted their lives in some way. Thankfully, I have heard about a few children and how they were impacted. I loved all of the kids that I worked with. Some were easier to love than others. It is easy to love kids that are cute and fun but it definitely isn't easy to love those where you have to get over yourself... to be able to love with Christ's love. I want to attempt to share one of those stories with you.
This is a story about an 8 year-old girl and my experience with her. This is my story of learning to love as Christ loves and this little girl is my "Gomer". This story will take us back to the 2nd floor... (if you don't know what I'm referring to you can read my blog Behind the Wall).
This little girl is about 8 years-old. She looks fairly healthy especially compared to the other children in the room. She has rosy cheeks and her dark hair is kept very short. The only physical sign that anything is wrong is if you look at her hands. Her hands are red, puffy, and swollen; as one of the ways she copes with her living situation, is sucking on them. She is one of the many disabled kids and they tell us that she has autism.
You will find this little girl in the corner. This is her place that she stands. She feels safe there. If you look at her she will hide her face either covering it with her coat or her hands. She will peak out at you but she does not make eye contact. Sometimes she doesn't even feel safe in her corner. Those times she will grab a chair, pull it into her corner, and stand behind it. The only time that she ventured out of her corner was when there was food. She was one you had to look out for because she was one of the ones that would steal food from the weaker kids and she was quick!
There were many disabled children in that room. Some sought our attention; some visibly and audibly upset. Those were the ones that my teammates and I tended to spend time with - the children seeking love; those children who clearly needed to be loved and comforted; those demanding our attention. This little girl was not one of them. She stayed to herself in her corner. She would occasionally yell or sing something. It was always the same words she yelled and she sang the same song but I never knew the English translation. After hearing it so often in the course of our time there, I'm sure I could repeat what she would yell but I have no idea what I'd be saying. Although she mainly stayed to herself, there was something about her that I was drawn to.
I decided that she was one that I needed to reach out to. I did the only thing I could think of. I joined her in her corner. I pulled up a chair and I sat. I then began to sing. I sang any song I could think of - kids songs, Christmas songs, worship songs, anything. When I ran out of songs, I wanted to tell her that Jesus love her but I wanted to tell her in her language so she'd understand. I had no idea how to say it and it wasn't on my list of phrases so instead I told her "Wo ai ni" (pronounced Wor aye nee meaning I love you).
She looked at me. Blew her nose into her hand and then wiped it on my face. She then pulled and bit my hair. In that moment, I was very disgusted and frustrated with her. I wanted to get up, walk away and be done with her. But I couldn't. I didn't. I knew that God was calling me to continue to love her. Instead of getting up and walking away, I took a deep breath, looked at her and again told her "Wo ai ni".
The next day and many days after that she would come out of her corner to pull my hair and then would run back to her corner. The thing was... it was all targeted at me. She never did that to my teammates and so I knew it was because I had shown her love. She wanted attention and love but did not know how to get it or receive it in a positive way so she would do things to get negative attention. She was jealous of the other kids I was holding and she would also hit or grab them. She found a pair of gigantic scissors one day and I'm pretty sure she was going to cut my hair if I hadn't of moved. She also attempted to throw pee at me that she had gotten from one of those potty chairs that they kept in their room. She would do anything that might bring her attention. It was hard to continue to love her and at times was very frustrating. My teammates were usually the ones yelling at her and trying to pull her off of me when she was pulling my hair or biting me. But with God's help, I was able to continue to love her.
Through God's strength and His love flowing through me, I continued to love her. I would sit with her in her corner. I would try to get her to come out of her corner and engage with her. There were glimmers of hope when she would sit on my lap for a second before running back to her corner or when she would return a hug but unfortunately it was followed by biting me. A classic 2nd floor depiction as that is how it was on the second floor... there is good and bad.... But I had established a relationship with her. We celebrated the little things because it was progress. My last day there it was warm enough to take a few of the kids outside. I had attempted to take her out earlier in the month but she would have no part of it. I decided to try again that day. She not only came out of her corner but she allowed me to carry her off the 2nd floor and went outside. That day was huge. She was out of her element so she stuck by my side. She was unsure of herself but there was no yelling and there were no negative behaviors. She was a completely different child!
It was hard for me at the end of the month to leave the children on the 2nd floor and head to a new place. But one of the long-term missionaries promised to send us updates on our kids. It has been great receiving her updates and even better to read the progress for some of the kids. To actually hear about the impact that we had while we were there. This little girl, she comes out of her corner now... not to pull hair or bite but to give hugs and kisses!
God's love is so powerful if we allow Him to love through us. We may feel inadequate when we hear God calling us to go somewhere or do something or we may feel powerless in certain situations but all He really asks of us is to LOVE. And that, that is the GREATEST and most POWERFUL thing we can do. We may not be loved in return and it may be painful but it is worth it. That person is worth it.
September 24th people gathered in 32 different locations around the globe to "Walk the Wall".
Walk the Wall is an annual 10km event that ICC (International China Concern) has to help them raise awareness of the needs for abandoned disabled kids in China and to raise money for them to be able to do more.
I organized the event here in Lorain, Ohio and we had about 80 people involved in some way whether participating in the walk and/or giving money. Despite rain being forecast for the weekend, it turned out to be a beautiful day. We had people come from all over Northern Ohio and one participant traveled from Kansas to run/walk with her daughter!!
Many people around the world walked. Thousands of dollars were raised. Here in Ohio, we raised about $4000 so far!! We also had the opportunity to have some great conversations with people in the park during the day of the event.
Thank you to everyone who participated and for all of you who were praying. I really appreciate all of you! Thank you for helping make a difference in the lives of these children.
Please continue to pray for those in China....
Pray for the physical and emotional health of those working with the children.
Please pray for the government.... 1. that God would soften their hearts to become more aware of these children and for them to begin to understand that each one of them is valuable and 2. that ICC would have a continued relationship with them and that more doors would be opened for ICC.
Pray for the director of the welfare center as ICC has recommended that the staff (in the room I volunteered in) be placed on shifts, not the 24hour days that they have been on, to help facilitate better care of the children.
For the babies and children newly abandoned... that they will be comforted and feel loved.
For developmental progress of the babies on the baby floor.
For healing in the hearts of the abandoned children.
For the children who have been matched with "forever families" that the process will be timely and that more children will capture families' hearts so that they too will be adopted.
If you are feeling led to do more, visit ICC's website to find ways to get involved. It is also, not too late tosponsor me in Walk the Wall.
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